The College Flu

The College Flu
 
 
 
 
Flu season is upon us! With the coming of November, doctors' offices have become flooded with patients complaining about all the same symptoms; stuffy nose, headache, and sore throat. But this season, one virus in particular has shocked the world, specifically because it has targeted a single demographic: Celebrity pigs.
 
More and more cases have been confirmed that celebrity pigs are coming down with a rare virus called The College Flu. Originating from a small college campus in central Vermont, The College Flu attacks the "mental immune system" and slowly destroys all common sense and reason. Some major symptoms are depression, lack of motivation, mood swings, doing stupid things in the middle of the day for no reason and, of course, vomit and diarrhea.
 
We tried to reach Piglet, a central character from the children's books "Winnie-the-Pooh," but he was unavailable for comment due to his declining health. Winnie himself spoke with us. "That poor little pig is inches from his life. Do you have any fucking idea what the smell of vomit and shit does to a 10 by 10 foot cabin? Destroys it! And as far as depression goes, you think Eeyore was bad? Piglet makes Eeyore look like fucking Richard Simmons."
 
Some major celebrities are speaking out against The College Flu and are raising money to find a vaccine for the virus. Kermit the Frog spoke very candidly about the influence the virus has had on his own relationship. "Ever since Ms. Piggy has gotten The College Flu, she's been out all night getting fucking smashed, posting half angled selfies on Instagram like she's fucking Amanda Bynes. I think she's cheating on me with that yellow beaked mutant, Big Bird. She stomps around like a god damn Clydesdale swinging those massive pig arms, screaming at me while I'm trying to practice my monologues for the show. Like four or five more months of this and I'm fuck out; see ya fucking later."
 
Babe the Pig's third movie "Babe: Pig-Me Some Cancun," which was supposed to complete the trilogy of Babe the Pig movies, has shut down production due to The College Flu. Babe was very upset. "I'm trying to fucking sheep-dog 30 oiled-up bikini models in 100 degree weather, I can't even fucking breathe. If I shit myself one more time, I'm getting fucking diapers; I don't give a shit."
 
Wilbur, from the cult classic Charlotte's Web, has also been pulled from his sequel because of The College Flu. Allegations from the director of the movie said that Wilbur's attitude had turned very negative and he was extremely difficult to work with. Wilbur spoke with us: "I don't know if it was so much The College as it was that bitch, Charlotte. I got news for you, Charlotte's a real diva piece of shit. I'm supposed to be Some Grand Pig. Who gives a shit about the fucking spider?"

As of now there has been no cure found and the list of celebrity pigs who are ailing keeps growing longer with names like Porky Pig, all Three Little Pigs, Man-bear-pig and Beabop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Scientists are furiously scurrying to find a cure.

-Johnny Guns

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